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June 25th 2024 They took the greatest love of my life away from me, but there was no funeral. They bathed and cleaned her corpse, and all I could think about was if they had took her lash extensions out. They buried her, but I stayed in the car. People cried, but no one hugged me, all that I had was my hand being held by my brother as we drove behind the hearse, Neil Young’s Harvest Moon was playing. I was already isolated for 2 weeks and thought that I would be rewarded by her embrace once it was all over. But there was none of it, it was pain and more pain and more pain. Only after 2 years I could finally cried it all out in somebody’s embrace, didn’t even realized how much I needed to let it all out —how badly I needed to be embraced. Because by the first year, the longing had eaten my insides little by little until there was almost nothing left of me. I don’t want to hold on to this pain forever, even if this pain is the only way I can keep my love for her alive. Because I’m done h...

 June 2nd 2024 You’re the first person I wanna see after a week of that nasty cold. I always love it when we go outside, sitting across each other, I mean skinships are the best but I miss looking at each other eye to eye; that little smile every time you teases me about random things, or the way you take candid pictures of me and my haemulsundubu.   The sky was clear, the sun was low. We walked across Mauerpark, didn’t hold hands because you were walking your e-bike with one hand and cold beer on the other. It’s been a while since our last Spazierengehen, it felt like the first dates all over again. And when we stopped at the Schönfließer Brücke, watched the sunset with shitty cigs, I swear we were about to kiss —but then these two guys stopped and told us that we are “God’s wonderful creatures”. And they asked us if we have ever eaten pizza with Jesus, you said, “with cheese yes, with Jesus never”. And it took us a while to realized they were Church missionaries but you have...

Growing up , orang tua gue sering menjejali gue dengan lagu-lagu tahun 70-80an. Mereka juga yang waktu gue kecil ngajarin bikin mixtape —yang selanjutnya bikin gue obsessed sama mix CD sampe udah kuliah pun, dan sekarang obsessed sama playlist hahaha. Dari banyaknya musik-musik yang Bokap perkenalkan ke gue, tetep aja kalau ditanya musik favorit doi apa, dalam sepersekian detik tanpa berpikir pasti bakal doi jawab: Genesis.   Waktu gue SMP, setelah setahun pertama naik jemputan, pas kelas 8 tiap pagi yang nganter Bokap. Di mobil, beliau selalu pasang Genesis dari berbagai mp3 bajakan (ya gitu kalo boomers mah hardcore fan tapi yang didenger juga bajakan), tapi album yang paling sering dipasang And Then There Were Three -kadang rebutan sama gue mau pasang CD Viva La Vida (kalo koleksi CD gue tentunya asli semua tolong jangan diragukan). Nah Bokap nih kalo Burning Rope udah kepasang, khidmat banget-banget dengerinnya sembari nyanyi penuh penghayatan dengan suara doi yang yaAllah...

Di kepala gue kalo “summer” udah otomatis keinget pantai yang sudah pasti juga berkorelasi dengan surf rock . Tadinya mau milih The Beach Boys tapi ga ada lagu mereka yang ada cerita personalnya. Kalau The Drums, gue pernah jadi hardcore fan  mereka jaman SMA, download album self-titled dan Portamento via torrent, di- burn ke CD, lalu maksa Acid buat denger karena ngga tahan ngefans dalam kesendirian. Untungnya emang masuk juga di Acid. Sedihnya, belum sempet nonton The Drums di masa-masa itu padahal mereka sempet dateng ke Jakarta, gainget kenapa tapi pasti ujung-ujungnya karena gapunya duit... Namanya juga anak SMA. Di luar titelnya sebagai band surf rock sebenernya gue dengerin The Drums, terutama album Portamento, karena lagunya ceria-ceria dengan lirik yang sedih banget mampus cenderung suicidal - my kind of song ! But darkness aside, lagu Let’s Go Surfing adalah satu dari sedikit lagu The Drums yang liriknya ngga depressing . Pokoknya kalo denger lagu Let’s Go Surfing ra...

Salah satu lagu favorit gue sepanjang masa! Lagunya ngga sampe 2 menit karena lanjutan dari Love Like a Sunset, Pt.I yang lebih panjang. Ini kalo dibawain live kedua lagu tersebut indahnya ga karuan. Lebih suka part kedua karena membawakan emosi kelemahan gue, yang adalah acceptance . Musiknya melankolis dengan tetap terasa hopeful dan ga menye-menye. Pesannya juga sangat indah dan efektif disampikan dalam 1 menit 46 detik tersebut: [Verse 1] Acres A visible horizon Right where it starts and ends Oh, when did we start the end? [Verse 2] Acres A visible illusion Oh, where it starts, it ends Love like a sunset Di verse pertama, sunset diceritakan sebagai awal dari suatu akhir; alias lah kok tiba-tiba udah mau selesai hubungan ini?! Kemudian di verse kedua langsung masuk ke fase berterima, bahwa hal yang dimulai pasti akan berakhir juga. Bagi gue lagunya menggambarkan relationship / perasaan yang indah banget tapi cuma sebentar -dan masih indah until the very end. Jadi inget pernah dapet...

Meskipun album 6 Feet Beneath The Moon udah di- release dari tahun 2013, di hidup gue Baby Blue malah jadi soundtrack jaman-jaman ngerjain TA, lebih tepatnya setelah geng wisuda April udah pada cabut.   Bulan-bulan Maret-Juni 2018 adalah masa transisi gue mencari teman buat ngerjain TA bareng karena teman-teman yang biasa coffee shop hopping buat ngerjain TA bareng lulusnya April semua hiks. Di masa-masa itu lah diperkenalkan Patih sama the luxury of berproduktif di Grind Joe ( coffee shop di bawah hotel Moxy): sepi, kursi ergonomis, pencahayaan oke banget, kopi enak, adem (kadang terlalu dingin), internet decent , dan yang terpenting playlist -nya bagus! Playlist bagus yang dimaksud adalah lagu-lagu chill lo-fi hiphop yang sangatlah hyped pada masa tersebut; Mac Ayres, FKG, Honne, Tom Misch dkk - surprisingly emang cocok banget buat backsound produktif. Kemudian karena playlist di Grind Joe lama-lama terasa terlalu berulang, gue berinisiatif membuat extended playlist -nya...

Hai my non-existent readers!  Tanpa perlu mempermanis keadaan dan kalo boleh sedikit curcol, sebulan++ terakhir mental state gue sangatlah buruk (if not THE worst). Tahun 2019 adalah tahun pertama akhirnya bisa ngerasain adulthood dengan mental stability yang jauuuuh lebih baik dari tahun-tahun sebelumnya, terus pas banget 2020 dateng dengan segala perpandemian ini dan pelan-pelan jatuh lagi deh hahaha. Jadi dengan mental resilience yang sangat tipis plus terjadinya sebuah unanticipated dramatic event, masuk lah kita ke dalam dark side. Salah satu pertanyaan terbesar di masa-masa dark period ini adalah: what keeps me going?  Tahun kemarin masih bisa embracing konsep full WFH dan full di rumah, banyak banget mendalami hal-hal baru yang menyenangkan --perkopian (yang sangat banyak room to explore), mencoba semua non-dairy milk options, baking, Chloe Ting, indoor plants, renov kamar, upgrade sound equipments, ambil career-enhancing courses, interview kerjaan sana-sini, started an...

I might not be the most honest person out there, in fact I lied thousands of times before and can almost always get away with it. I did my time, and I know damn well now how much it hurts to be lied to and feeling like you have deluded yourself all along in the end, that's why when you came along I swear to myself to be as truthful as I can be and expect the same from you to hinder myself from all the delusions. So I don't know if you noticed, but with you, I have never been the one who pointed out how much we eerily connected with each other no matter how obvious it was, unless you said it first --that was how much delusions scared me.  Words can't describe how happy I was the days when everything with you felt effortless because for the first time in so long, I found someone who was just like the copy of my mind (<- also the name of a vulgar indonesian movie), everything just clicked and our hardest argument would only be that you hate the idea of ketupat in ketoprak t...

"Tell me your three most vivid memories." you asked me that night.  We were only started talking for a few weeks that time. I remember telling you the boring stories from my childhood and the life-changing moment of finally watching Coldplay live, because let's be honest, my memory sucked --unless it involved something that triggered my emotions deeply. When it was your turn, you told me those great moments of your life when you live abroad and that one holiday where you drove Fiat Panda in Mallorca. I always love how you told your stories; simple yet very detailed and thorough -just like how you report your analysis at work. That night, I secretly wished that one day I would be in one of those memories that lingers so vividly in your head. But yeah, no chance, right? The only picture of us together was that one where the coffee shop owner took our photo secretly and sent it over to my friend, the one where my face is all covered with my hair. And everything I write about...

It was 5PM. The sky began to turn red. The usual hot latte for you, ice latte for me setup on our table. We were accidentally wearing the same lime green t-shirt. You were outside for a phone call, a call that I knew would be the last chance -if there’s ever any slightest chance, for you to change your mind. You sat with your back against the window, right across my seat. Everything slowed down, every details demanded to be noticed. I wanted to picture it right, in case it was our last latte date. And I just sat there, watching your back, as you once in a while move your hands while you talk. I almost burst into tears -remembering the days of me watching your back whenever you walk in front of me, slowing my pace down so I could stay there unnoticed, just because I was too scared to talk to you, a way simpler times; being the insignificant unnoticeable background in your life. How did I get here? How did something so light and meaningless turned into a situation where I have to be full...

Hari ini hari terakhir Papa kerja setelah 31 tahun menjadi jurnalis di Suara Pembaruan. Tiga puluh satu tahun. Di kantor berita yang sama. Wow. Gue adalah salah satu orang yang dalam suatu masa dalam hidupnya pernah sangat mengidolakan bokap sendiri. Bahkan 3/4 tahun hidup gue diisi dengan mengidolakan beliau, dari SD-SMA gue percaya kalau ketika gue dewasa gue bisa mengikuti jejak beliau, gue harus jadi jurnalis. He made me fall in love with writing. I spent my entire childhood writing countless of unpublished short stories, I even dedicated my whole time in high school as an active member of the school magazine. Pada masanya, gue merasa bahwa nulis adalah hidup gue (lebay banget, but doesn’t make it less true). Gue masih inget banget betapa hancurnya gue di masa-masa akhir kelas 12, dengan melesunya industri media cetak, menurut bokap ga masuk akal kalau gue tetap mau on track buat jadi jurnalis. Being the typical Indonesian dad that he is, menurut beliau gue harus bisa jadi lebi...

Semua bermula sama. Berawalkan teka-teki yang kamu buat sendiri sambil sibuk mencari tanda-tanda semesta, untuk kemudian kamu gunakan untuk membohongi dirimu. Lalu kamu berdoa seperti orang paling relijius di dunia, padahal doa yang kamu panjatkan cuma romantisasi egomu yang kamu agung-agungkan di hadapan Tuhan, tapi Tuhan Maha Mendengar kan? Lalu kamu habiskan malam demi malam tanpa tidur dengan tenggorokan yang terus-menerus tercekat, kamu jerumuskan dirimu sendiri kepada kenestapaan -dan pengorbanan, tapi siapa yang butuh korban? Apalagi tangisanmu tidak bisa bikin siapapun kenyang. Kamu bersakit seakan-akan cuma itu yang kamu bisa, kemudian kamu salahkan dunia dan seisinya karena membiarkanmu berlumuran dengan darah yang kamu kucurkan sendiri. Kamu biarkan semua porak poranda dan kamu habiskan sendiri semua yang tersisa dalam dirimu, nanti ada yang datang menyelamatkan -kali ini pasti ada, katamu. Tapi sebentar lagi kamu akan binasa, karena kamu tahu betul, bahwa yang bisa meny...

You were waiting for me on the seat by the window, with that half-drunken glass of your favorite manual brew. That same spot, our favorite spot, since years ago. From the days when I barely have the courage to look you in the eyes when you helped me solve my tutor homework, to the days where I sat comfortably beside you for hours -doing my thing while you're busy playing DOTA, and to another ordinary days when we need a late night coffee and this place were the only one that's still open. We fought a lot all those years, and that's what made that day different; for the first time ever we just sat there -calmly, like two civilized adults. No crying, no arguing, no nothing. I talked and talked and talked, and I remember how you kept saying "I don't know" -over and over again. I remember how frustrating it was to get you talking, but at the same time I was wishing that -for the last time- we would stay there as long as we could. Because once we were done, I swore...

These past week I have been drafting a post about how I repaired myself in the last one year to be the most emotionally stable version of myself. Ironically enough, before finishing the writing, it hits again. Square one. Not even square one, this time was worse, worst. I am so fed up with myself and I feel really useless, I mean I'm 24, my friends are already having babies, yet I am still caught in this monstrous version of myself. But then again, I'm getting there, right? In a spur of the moment it is that hard to remember how I should be very gentle and very kind to my own self, how I should always love myself, and the monster wins again. Now I am writing this, fully aware on where I lost it this time, and I hope this will be the last time it happened. As Vania always says, be kind to yourself, it is that simple jun come on. I know I should. I'm not there yet but I'm getting there. And they told me that it only gets better, right?

Have you ever did a real bad thing in your life and live with a constant guilt afterwards, that you thought every single bad thing that keeps happening to you is just the way of universe punishing you -and that you deserve every tiny part of the pain? I can't really recall when was the first time I start living with this horrible mindset weighing me, but it does took me months of repetitive small unnecessary breakdowns to finally losing it last night and cry the shit out over The Strokes' Is This It -alone in my hotel room, thinking I am so done with universe punishing me and shit. I snapped last night and when I was finally too tired to continue crying, I thought to myself that maybe universe was actually never that evil, maybe I did this to myself, maybe the things that break me are just a product of my own belief -believing that I need to suffer from every cosmic surprise that went south from my own expectation and immediately perceiving it as another form of life punishme...

“You are too much to handle.” His message was short but sharp, it struck her like a lightning. It hurts real bad but in a non-lethal kind of way, the kind of pain that’s not too massive to make you feel numb, it was the kind of pain that’s painful enough to jerk your tears out and demanded to be felt, it felt as bad as when a razor cut your skin -although you know that the wound won’t heal. He probably have no idea how powerful his words were. He probably wasn’t saying that to hurt her. Those were probably the words that has been lingering in the back of his head for so long, and that he had enough. And that’s probably why it hurts that bad, because it wasn’t some made up words that he usually made only to win the arguments, it was the words she -herself- know all along but never been unearthed, it hurts because she know it’s true. You are too much to handle . Those words echoed. She knew damn well she is. She can’t even handle herself. She’s always desperately seeking the m...

nothing would change,  like the way your perfume blends in with the smell of your cigs,  or how much you love vanilla bliss, or how you’re haunted by the idea of aliens -and how they will invade our planet, or how you turn all sweaty when you eat spicy food,  or how your body move to your favorite tunes,  or how you would pray to your God each time you passed kilometer zero,  every single thing would still be the exact same old details that lingers in the back of my head . . except,  the way you look at me

"Hey don't cry..." He said. "I can't stand seeing you this way."   "I'm sorry, I'm just being stupid." I laughed it off but tears still streaming down my cheek.  He then embraced me so tightly.  "It's going to be okay," he whispered, "you are one strong independent woman, right?" "I am not when you're around tho... You said it yourself." "But I won't be around anymore..." his voice was so soft like a whispering wind on the grass, as if he tried so hard for me not to hear it but in a way still wants me to hear it. "I know." I grab his sleeves, resting my head on his chest -can't stand looking into his eyes anymore. He pushed me gently, lift my head, lean down, and kissed my forehead. "I'm gonna miss these cheeks," he then kissed both side of my cheeks. He looked me right in the eye and said, "and this lips..." I clos...

It has been 4 years but I have never stepped into that place, not until that night. Funny that you could took me to places that I've never been before when I thought I have gone to every inch in every corner of this town. Funny how you could make me feel the feelings I have never felt before, too. But this one vivid memory wasn't some memory that's lovely enough to be recalled, yet, it lingers somewhere in the back of my head and creeps in each time I let my guard down. You were about to take me home, but something stopped you. You couldn't look me in the eyes. Usually you were always looking at me when we talk, right in my eyes -in everyone's eyes, as if you are fearless, as if you could look through them. But not that night. It was dark but not that dark for you to couldn't find my eyes. You were always so carefree and chirpy and what not, but that night -a once in a blue moon, you were not. You looked so clueless, you squeezed the wheel in front of you out ...

Past midnight, empty roads Matching hoodies and Fipper flip-flops Was when the silent emotion explodes And left us with just teardrops You said you got so much on your chest And everything you did was for my best But it's written in every book on the shelf  That the only thing you love is yourself What is it that you're looking for? How much of my truth you'd want to ignore? Do you think this world is a bore, Without all those lies that you swore? You pointed your rifle right at me Telling them that I'm the one who pulled the trigger See the wounds that you've caused on me? Do you watch me bleed so you could feel better? You were so hasted,  where would you go? For all the things that we've wasted,  don't you wish we could forego?