Have you ever did a real bad thing in your life and live with a constant guilt afterwards, that you thought every single bad thing that keeps happening to you is just the way of universe punishing you -and that you deserve every tiny part of the pain?
I can't really recall when was the first time I start living with this horrible mindset weighing me, but it does took me months of repetitive small unnecessary breakdowns to finally losing it last night and cry the shit out over The Strokes' Is This It -alone in my hotel room, thinking I am so done with universe punishing me and shit. I snapped last night and when I was finally too tired to continue crying, I thought to myself that maybe universe was actually never that evil, maybe I did this to myself, maybe the things that break me are just a product of my own belief -believing that I need to suffer from every cosmic surprise that went south from my own expectation and immediately perceiving it as another form of life punishment. I was too self centered to think that the universe has time to give me a curated tailor-made karma and punishments these whole time, when in fact it was all just a regular bad day -a regular not-meant-to-be scenario, that could immediately be solved by a simple acceptance and get it over with, because most of the time things in life just don't go the way you wanted but that's just what life is and not all of them are related with the bad deeds that you once did. Well, I still believe that some of the grand mishaps in life were a product of karma, but I want to believe that when we have striven to be a better person and quit being the bad guy -karma's job is done and we are finally deserve to be happy once again.
Maybe this piece is too naive, but I think it's about time I should continue my life without that kind of burden anymore, right?
I can't really recall when was the first time I start living with this horrible mindset weighing me, but it does took me months of repetitive small unnecessary breakdowns to finally losing it last night and cry the shit out over The Strokes' Is This It -alone in my hotel room, thinking I am so done with universe punishing me and shit. I snapped last night and when I was finally too tired to continue crying, I thought to myself that maybe universe was actually never that evil, maybe I did this to myself, maybe the things that break me are just a product of my own belief -believing that I need to suffer from every cosmic surprise that went south from my own expectation and immediately perceiving it as another form of life punishment. I was too self centered to think that the universe has time to give me a curated tailor-made karma and punishments these whole time, when in fact it was all just a regular bad day -a regular not-meant-to-be scenario, that could immediately be solved by a simple acceptance and get it over with, because most of the time things in life just don't go the way you wanted but that's just what life is and not all of them are related with the bad deeds that you once did. Well, I still believe that some of the grand mishaps in life were a product of karma, but I want to believe that when we have striven to be a better person and quit being the bad guy -karma's job is done and we are finally deserve to be happy once again.
Maybe this piece is too naive, but I think it's about time I should continue my life without that kind of burden anymore, right?
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