There Was No Funeral

June 25th 2024

They took the greatest love of my life away from me, but there was no funeral. They bathed and cleaned her corpse, and all I could think about was if they had took her lash extensions out. They buried her, but I stayed in the car. People cried, but no one hugged me, all that I had was my hand being held by my brother as we drove behind the hearse, Neil Young’s Harvest Moon was playing. I was already isolated for 2 weeks and thought that I would be rewarded by her embrace once it was all over. But there was none of it, it was pain and more pain and more pain. Only after 2 years I could finally cried it all out in somebody’s embrace, didn’t even realized how much I needed to let it all out —how badly I needed to be embraced. Because by the first year, the longing had eaten my insides little by little until there was almost nothing left of me. I don’t want to hold on to this pain forever, even if this pain is the only way I can keep my love for her alive. Because I’m done hurting, I’m done leveling up to be stronger and stronger each day, I’m done breaking down —crying and lying on my apartment’s floor.

The love of my life is gone, but there was no funeral. On the dreams where I get to see her again, I have to forced myself to remember the photos of her corpse. Because there was no funeral, and there is nothing worse than dreaming that she’s still here just to wake up to this suffocating loneliness. There was no funeral, there was not and there will not be enough time to heal. There was no funeral for my mom, and there was also none for the person I used to be.

Comments

Inside of Love

“This song is fucking great.” That’s what you said as your car stopped at the red light. The intro to the song came on and turned out to be something so familiar from my childhood. “Whaaat I know this song! Never listened to it in years!” I said in excitement of rediscovering a good song from years ago, forgetting it even existed. You just nodded and smiled, the hook was in and you started to sing. I stopped and stared at you for a moment, you were always singing -and you were always so into it. Your driver seat turned into a stage. I’d remember every little detail of you singing, the simplest thing I was weirdly so in love with. You grabbed my bottle of water, using it as your microphone. I giggled, using my phone as a microphone, and joined you for the refrain. I know the last page so well, I can't read the first So I just don't start it's getting worse I wanna know what it’s like on the inside of love. Standing at the gates, I see the beauty above. It was...

depart

nothing would change, like the way your perfume blends in with the smell of your cigs, or how much you love vanilla bliss, or how you’re haunted by the idea of aliens -and how they will invade our planet, or how you turn all sweaty when you eat spicy food, or how your body move to your favorite tunes, or how you would pray to your God each time you passed kilometer zero, every single thing would still be the exact same old details that lingers in the back of my head . . except, the way you look at me

Is this it?

Have you ever did a real bad thing in your life and live with a constant guilt afterwards, that you thought every single bad thing that keeps happening to you is just the way of universe punishing you -and that you deserve every tiny part of the pain? I can't really recall when was the first time I start living with this horrible mindset weighing me, but it does took me months of repetitive small unnecessary breakdowns to finally losing it last night and cry the shit out over The Strokes' Is This It -alone in my hotel room, thinking I am so done with universe punishing me and shit. I snapped last night and when I was finally too tired to continue crying, I thought to myself that maybe universe was actually never that evil, maybe I did this to myself, maybe the things that break me are just a product of my own belief -believing that I need to suffer from every cosmic surprise that went south from my own expectation and immediately perceiving it as another form of life punishme...

A silent smile

There's these nights when you're not feeling well of all the sudden, completely alone in the room that's not exactly your room -which have no air conditioner but cold as fuck, your mom called and all the homesicks and sadness filled your lungs right away, you poured minyak kayu putih all over your body, you wished you could just sleep to shake away all the not-so-depressing-little-things that never fail to makes you feel like shit anyway. -- Then he told me to come out because he's outside. And I could feel all the butterflies filling down my belly and Hoppipolla's intro playing inside my head as I see him standing there; smiling from the distance with a carton cup of hot chocolate on his hand -not more not pless-, walking towards me, and I always love the way he makes me feel like I'm the destination /fuck my stupid diction/ I love watching his every step when he's walking towards me, it's silly but whatever I love it. My eternal feeling of homesick ...

Only Ones Who Know

"Hey don't cry..." He said. "I can't stand seeing you this way." "I'm sorry, I'm just being stupid." I laughed it off but tears still streaming down my cheek. He then embraced me so tightly. "It's going to be okay," he whispered, "you are one strong independent woman, right?" "I am not when you're around tho... You said it yourself." "But I won't be around anymore..." his voice was so soft like a whispering wind on the grass, as if he tried so hard for me not to hear it but in a way still wants me to hear it. "I know." I grab his sleeves, resting my head on his chest -can't stand looking into his eyes anymore. He pushed me gently, lift my head, lean down, and kissed my forehead. "I'm gonna miss these cheeks," he then kissed both side of my cheeks. He looked me right in the eye and said, "and this lips..." I clos...

Kata Lain di Balik Kata Lainnya

Kamu tau, kalau kamu selalu membuatku ingin berkata-kata? Meskipun hampir semua yang terlontar getir, tapi aku menyimpanmu dengan manis di antara lembaran kata yang tidak akan pernah kamu baca --yang kadang-kadang menggerogotiku dari dalam. Lebih baik tidak ada yang tau, termasuk juga kamu, karena memang tidak ada yang perlu tau. Dan sekonyol apapun ini terdengar, aku harap suatu saat kamu terbangun dari tidurmu, kemudian ada suatu rasa baru yang menyusup di rongga dadamu. Karena saat itu -untuk pertama kalinya- mimpi kita beresonansi. dari renungan sepanjang Cipularang

2!

I WAS in the mood for a long post but then I failed in the first 30 minutes of trying to type a good intro. So I'll just make it short then. Terus kamu udah bobo terus jadi kentang kalo aku line. Yawdha noraque dikid disindang ach kya. Selamat tanggal 4 yang kedua, dear you, my most favorite sleepyhead :) Thank you for the tickling butterflies everytime you're around Thank you for always making me feel special and loved Thank you for the fleeting happiness that you give daily Thank you for today, for the flowers (yay flowers!), for the great times spent, for a lovely day once again PS: Thank you Gan Bei for kindly and accidentally played Bill Withers' Lovely Day during our dinner :") " Then I look at you And the world's alright with me Just one look at you And I know it's gonna be A lovely day"

Beach Baby

You were waiting for me on the seat by the window, with that half-drunken glass of your favorite manual brew. That same spot, our favorite spot, since years ago. From the days when I barely have the courage to look you in the eyes when you helped me solve my tutor homework, to the days where I sat comfortably beside you for hours -doing my thing while you're busy playing DOTA, and to another ordinary days when we need a late night coffee and this place were the only one that's still open. We fought a lot all those years, and that's what made that day different; for the first time ever we just sat there -calmly, like two civilized adults. No crying, no arguing, no nothing. I talked and talked and talked, and I remember how you kept saying "I don't know" -over and over again. I remember how frustrating it was to get you talking, but at the same time I was wishing that -for the last time- we would stay there as long as we could. Because once we were done, I swore...

Wait - M83

It has been 4 years but I have never stepped into that place, not until that night. Funny that you could took me to places that I've never been before when I thought I have gone to every inch in every corner of this town. Funny how you could make me feel the feelings I have never felt before, too. But this one vivid memory wasn't some memory that's lovely enough to be recalled, yet, it lingers somewhere in the back of my head and creeps in each time I let my guard down. You were about to take me home, but something stopped you. You couldn't look me in the eyes. Usually you were always looking at me when we talk, right in my eyes -in everyone's eyes, as if you are fearless, as if you could look through them. But not that night. It was dark but not that dark for you to couldn't find my eyes. You were always so carefree and chirpy and what not, but that night -a once in a blue moon, you were not. You looked so clueless, you squeezed the wheel in front of you out ...

Bedroom Sadness #1

There are times when you almost believe that you've get through it When you thought that you've over it But when it all clicks, you'll lose again You lose again Like you lost yourself for too many times before Your wounded soul won't heal And those scars all over you, they laugh at you And you still wished for the help that never came Because eventually, you're always alone

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