bəˈnɑːnə

You called me just so you can take out your anger out of your chest. And it still hurts, the fact that I couldn’t ease your anger, I could never did. With all the hatred and resentment in your eyes, it finally hits me, really really hard, realizing that nobody could ever comfort you -not even me, not even once. It hurts much more.

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Only Ones Who Know

"Hey don't cry..." He said. "I can't stand seeing you this way." "I'm sorry, I'm just being stupid." I laughed it off but tears still streaming down my cheek. He then embraced me so tightly. "It's going to be okay," he whispered, "you are one strong independent woman, right?" "I am not when you're around tho... You said it yourself." "But I won't be around anymore..." his voice was so soft like a whispering wind on the grass, as if he tried so hard for me not to hear it but in a way still wants me to hear it. "I know." I grab his sleeves, resting my head on his chest -can't stand looking into his eyes anymore. He pushed me gently, lift my head, lean down, and kissed my forehead. "I'm gonna miss these cheeks," he then kissed both side of my cheeks. He looked me right in the eye and said, "and this lips..." I clos...

The Engineering Economic Analysis book is wide open right beside me. But I can't help to get distracted by the empty ceiling above me, and anxiously rechecking my LINE notifications over and over again. I don't know since when Payung Teduh's Kita Adalah Sisa-Sisa Keikhlasan yang Tidak Pernah Diikhlaskan can hurt this bad, it's not the lyrics, it's just the sorrow from this song. Well not exactly hurt, but it burns my chest, and this anxiety can't stop bugging me. Here's the thing about me: I worried WAY too much. I went to his house today. I worried all night yesterday, tho I know he'll be fine and his parents have had took a really good care of him. But still, the only thing I knew this morning is that I really need to see him. And there he was on his bed, smiling in excitement when he finally saw me, it's the moment of clarity that I swear to God was the best thing I could feel in a while. His fever was so bad this afternoon when was sleeping, ...

Either Way

"Tell me your three most vivid memories." you asked me that night. We were only started talking for a few weeks that time. I remember telling you the boring stories from my childhood and the life-changing moment of finally watching Coldplay live, because let's be honest, my memory sucked --unless it involved something that triggered my emotions deeply. When it was your turn, you told me those great moments of your life when you live abroad and that one holiday where you drove Fiat Panda in Mallorca. I always love how you told your stories; simple yet very detailed and thorough -just like how you report your analysis at work. That night, I secretly wished that one day I would be in one of those memories that lingers so vividly in your head. But yeah, no chance, right? The only picture of us together was that one where the coffee shop owner took our photo secretly and sent it over to my friend, the one where my face is all covered with my hair. And everything I write about...

DCMBRRR

Gue juga nggak tau kenapa postingan akhir tahun ada lebih dulu ketimbang postingan akhir bulan, whatever tho, it's still December anyway :)) Desember nggak selalu menjadi bulan favorit gue, karena kadang Desember bisa serasa di lagu Violet Hill ( it was long and dark December ) atau terasa perih tapi penuh harap versinya Efek Rumah Kaca. Ya meskipun ada masanya enek belajar uts kimia, enek liat index mafiki yang kurang indah, keujanan, kena becek, menggigil pas lagi wawancara di selasar, gagal syuting outdoor, dan beberapa duka lainnya, Desember kali ini: dingin dan menyenangkan! Lebih tepatnya Bandung di bulan Desember sih... Pertama kalinya bisa menikmati Bandung dan merasa hidup di Bandung -bukannya numpang tidur dan kuliah doang- ya di bulan Desember ini. Meskipun masih ada uts dan uas tapi yang penting masa belajar efektif kuliah selesai, jadi abis uts kimia kerjaannya cuma syuting - wawancara - nyelasar - ngehedon - bengong. Buat temen-temen yang begitu ujian kelar langsu...

Somebody that I used to know?

God I can't imagine I just titled my blog post with that Gotye's punchline like some insecure adolescent on twitter that refers to their ex or sumthin. I don't even have an ex nor boyf. Okay so that's the difference. I can't believe myself that cliché phrase is somehow meant a thing to me. -_- Senin dua minggu lalu -jangan tanya kenapa gue sampe inget waktunya- abis capek-capek kejebak macet pulang dari inten dan buka di jalan, pas makan malem, kayak biasa keluarga gue yang cerewet ngobrol terusss. Dan seperti biasa juga topik nggak jauh-jauh dari temen-temen gue / kakak gue. Yang gak biasa? Hari itu nyokap nanyain sesuatu tentang temen lama, yang -for heaven's sake- gue gatau kabarnya sama sekali sekarang. Gue bete, karena pertanyaan nyokap simpel dan general, tapi gue nggak bisa jawab selain ngomong "tau deh." Kayak semacam abg labil gue minggat dari meja makan secara smooth, nggak lari dengan dramatis (padahal ga ada yang peduli juga tis). Abis so...

Thermodynamics

I could spend all day watching you smile and listen to your stories because that's when everything finally felt right again. I'll be talking to you all day discussing silly million ideas to spend our holiday because I love how it makes me feel. I'll be at my room by the end of the day, figuring some thermodynamics shit while listening to your mixtape, and feel perfectly fine about the world. I wish it could go on this way everyday :p

Sedikit Tentang Patah Hati

Dia menyalakan lagi rokoknya, entah rokok keberapa yang telah ia hisap setelah kami duduk di tempat ini. Matanya lelah. dan penuh kebingungan, serta tersirat juga kesedihan di sana pun sesekali ia tersenyum (yang tetap saja getir) ditengah ceritanya yang menggebu. Aku menenggak kopiku, lalu sesekali mengangguk, dan terus mengulangi kedua hal itu hingga dia akhirnya bertanya, "Gue harus apa?". Itu mungkin sudah kesepuluh kali ia melontarkan pertanyaan yang sama, mungkin lebih banyak dari rokok yang telah ia bakar, entahlah, aku sudah menyerah menghitung keduanya. Dan karena sebelum-sebelumnya jawabanku terus ia sanggah, kali ini pertanyaan itu kubiarkan menguap saja bersama asap rokoknya. Retoris, mungkin ia tidak sadar. Aku hanya menatapnya dengan segala empati yang masih kumiliki. Kemudian benar saja, ia kembali berbicara dan mengeluh lagi. Cerita yang telah ia ceritakan berkali-kali dengan frase-frase berbeda, yang sialnya buatku jadi hafal lebih dari materi-materi kuli...

UTS Special: Comforting Sounds Mixtape

Besok uts PRD dan sempet-sempetnya posting ginian meheheh gara-gara udah cabut demi belajar prd+mat tadi siang supaya malemnya bisa hearing, terus hearingnya di cancel *ba dum tss*. So let's just make it quick, and these are the list of songs you wish to hear in this most hectic period of the semester, enjoy! Happy (Pharrell Williams) Sulit untuk nggak senyum atau minimal nodding your head setiap kali denger lagu ini, yang selalu ngingetin kita untuk merasa senang ditambah campaign 24hoursofhappiness.com yang uber-awesome! Clap along if you know what happiness is to you :):) Með Suð Í Eyrum (Sigur Ros) Biarpun Sigur Ros udah ngeluarin dua album setelah album ini (yang bau-bau dark semua emang), sampai kapan pun lagu ini dan Gobbledigook bakal selalu jadi Sigur Ros' most cheerful songs. This song will always be your ice cream under the too shiny sun. This Too Shall Pass (OK Go) Pertemuan gue dengan lagu ini adalah waktu lagi ke mcd hampir tengah malem setelah ha...

Anthozoa, Robot, dan Korelasi Maksa

Heavy, heavy rain outside. Saya habis bales dendam tidur siang 4 jam, dan setelah lama-lama bengong sambil dengerin Bands Of Horses - The Funeral berulang-ulang akhirnya memutuskan lari ke sini, too much thoughts. Semua titik balik maupun titik awal hidup saya akan terjadi dua-tiga bulan dari sekarang, dan seperti seorang pecundang, tiap hari saya ketakutan. Malu-maluin. I've set my goals, okay, in fact there's five plans (plan A-E) I've written down, tapi peluangnya memang cuma sampe SIMAK UI. Semua orang bilang, percaya sama diri sendiri, tapi emang itu cukup? Kadang saya takut sebanyak apapun rencana itu adalah rencana-rencana yang salah, saya tau pada akhirnya Tuhan yang menentukan jalan hidup saya, tapi ketidaktauan tentang dimana diri saya nantinya dua bulan dari sekarang aja bikin (agak) frustrasi. Sebenernya sekarang bukannya saya mau ngeluh lagi tentang betapa susahnya tryout-tryout Inten dan gimana nama saya nggak kunjung naik ke seenggaknya tiga lembar pertama, y...

[Untitled]

Love is just a game, they said Hell, life IS just a game Running, stumbling, falling Looking for something makes sense We live in a classic magic trick Silly hallucinations, invading our lungs We respire the oxygen of nonsense Each breathe makes us sick So tell me, is this why this called a game? No fun, no glory Losing, the only choice we had That's why they call me loser Keep on losing, keep on losing You're an illusion in my daydream Stood in front of silent promises Where there's nothing for me to earn Wake me up, let me run the night You gave me summer under the pouring rain You taught me to be wise while you brought the childhood senses back It was so great, it was so great So untrue, so fast Was it ever there? Or am I hallucinating What to earn, what to believe Sorry I'm clueless So fool me no more Or taught me to be reckless instead Don't meet me halfway Meet me where the path ends Or we could start all over again Life is f...