Higgs

It was 5PM. The sky began to turn red. The usual hot latte for you, ice latte for me setup on our table. We were accidentally wearing the same lime green t-shirt. You were outside for a phone call, a call that I knew would be the last chance -if there’s ever any slightest chance, for you to change your mind. You sat with your back against the window, right across my seat. Everything slowed down, every details demanded to be noticed. I wanted to picture it right, in case it was our last latte date.

And I just sat there, watching your back, as you once in a while move your hands while you talk. I almost burst into tears -remembering the days of me watching your back whenever you walk in front of me, slowing my pace down so I could stay there unnoticed, just because I was too scared to talk to you, a way simpler times; being the insignificant unnoticeable background in your life. How did I get here? How did something so light and meaningless turned into a situation where I have to be fully aware of what I would lose? What if I was never meant to walk beside you somehow and this whole thing was just some glitch in our universe?

I closed my eyes for a moment, wishing for a clear sign of whether I should flee or not. Crazy how I prayed so hard that you would stay, but I kept my mind busy making imaginary speech about why I should go.

“My decision still stands,” you said it lightly, as you returned to your seat. There was almost no hesitation in your eyes. It crushed me. What an irony. I felt so alone, you were sitting right in front of me but I felt so alone. I could tell that you didn’t consider this as a goodbye, yet to me it felt like you were as good as gone. Well maybe it was just the usual me being dramatic? But then again, who knows? I wished right at that moment I could sink into the floor because I had no idea how to react to that. Is it an obvious sign that I should end this? Oh God.

I acted as if it didn't bother me one bit, yet in the back of my head I kept telling myself to end it today, tonight. One more meal. One more car ride home. And that’s it.

And when you drove me home, those words were already in my throat, but it just didn’t come out. I didn't even say anything yet, but you held my hand all of the sudden and said, “hey, there’s really nothing to worry about.” That move again. That assuring voice again. As simple as that. Everything felt right again. All the devastating thoughts of being alone in this suddenly went away. Whatever it was that eating me up inside, it was suddenly gone. How does it make sense? It suddenly went from being so sure that I should flee to being so scared of letting go. I must’ve lost my mind.

I looked at you one last time, trying to find any hint that it was all just an illusion, any reason to hate you, any reason to walk away. And there was suddenly none of it. All I did was falling for you all over again. Classic. It felt like a trap but I just didn’t want to escape. Not yet.

Nothing's wrong with enjoying this while it lasts, right?

If it breaks me in the end, least I did my part.

I'll be back before

The street lights on, before the daylight's gone

I was spoiled by lavish thoughts

They don't compare, no, not at all

And had this been the past I might not know

What to do with all

Of what you've showed

What you give, my words can’t hold

And if acts of God breaks us apart

Least we did ours

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Frank Ocean’s Moon River on repeat as the shuttle drove further from the only place that smelled like home. I held my tears just like always, and it’s still streaming down my cheek -just like always. There are things that you’ll never used to no matter how often you’ve get through it, like being fat, or having a bad grades, or going back to Bandung after a happy long weekend. I used to love Bandung, or probably still do, but now Bandung just feels like the pain I need to bear over and over again. You are okay You are okay You are okay Be okay joon, please?

If You're Reading This,

It means you've read all the gloomy nonsense I've been keeping on posting recently. Well don't worry, I guarantee you that it's only you (and a few friends of mine) that would read my blog (I even doubt that you still read this) (it's a good thing tho if you don't)(but I'm losing my way to talk to you so maybe it'll be as good if you read)(whatever). I'm sorry if I seemed so unhappy from all the things I've written recently, maybe I wasn't as unhappy as it seems, or maybe I was, idk, it's confusing. And there's too much pain in my diary now so I don't want to pour it in my diary again, besides, I can always delete the posts here. If you ever wonder if I'm still happy to be with you, well it's a yes. I don't know but somehow it's still possible to be both happy and unhappy at the same time, or not in the exact same time. I hope we'll get better We SHOULD ger better P.s. As long as you will for the same thing Ily

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