Ivy

I might not be the most honest person out there, in fact I lied thousands of times before and can almost always get away with it. I did my time, and I know damn well now how much it hurts to be lied to and feeling like you have deluded yourself all along in the end, that's why when you came along I swear to myself to be as truthful as I can be and expect the same from you to hinder myself from all the delusions. So I don't know if you noticed, but with you, I have never been the one who pointed out how much we eerily connected with each other no matter how obvious it was, unless you said it first --that was how much delusions scared me.

Words can't describe how happy I was the days when everything with you felt effortless because for the first time in so long, I found someone who was just like the copy of my mind (<- also the name of a vulgar indonesian movie), everything just clicked and our hardest argument would only be that you hate the idea of ketupat in ketoprak to be replaced with lontong and I love ketoprak with lontong the most, haha. We were too similar we even started a game of finding differences on our shared interest. We couldn't even bet on who would win an F1 GP because we root for the same driver (and also because Hamilton always wins), we bet on Hamilton's winning margin instead. I know it's crazy to think that you were capable in faking any of it, especially the sequence of coincidences such as that one time you complained about how you desperately need a new shirt when I was literally holding a new shirt for you. You could also noticed the slightest change on my mood no matter how much I tried to hide it. I don't know if it's possible to create an illusion of such things but even if it is, allow me to fool myself one last time that at least all of the connections that I felt with you was real. I refuse to believe that any of it were merely a delusion, believe the easier truth, right?

Maybe you lied about the rest, or maybe you didn't -but I'm sure you stopped telling the truth at some point, because in the end the things you said and the things you did just don't add up. I wish I can negate everything just because I despise the ending so so bad, but I can't, this unwanted memories of how well it was at the start just won't let me.

But don't worry, I won't cling to it, I know that there's no use in jotting down how similar we were with each other, because there will always be this inevitable differences of how much you want your past to be your future while to me you are the only past that I have right now -and that I could never understand what you wanted the same way you could never understand what I felt about you.

In the halls of your hotel

Arm around my shoulder so I could tell

How much I meant to you, meant it sincere back then

We had time to kill back then

You ain't a kid no more

We'll never be those kids again

It's not the same, ivory's illegal

Don't you remember?

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Burning Rope - Genesis (Day 4 - Song that reminds you of someone)

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Frank Ocean’s Moon River on repeat as the shuttle drove further from the only place that smelled like home. I held my tears just like always, and it’s still streaming down my cheek -just like always. There are things that you’ll never used to no matter how often you’ve get through it, like being fat, or having a bad grades, or going back to Bandung after a happy long weekend. I used to love Bandung, or probably still do, but now Bandung just feels like the pain I need to bear over and over again. You are okay You are okay You are okay Be okay joon, please?

If You're Reading This,

It means you've read all the gloomy nonsense I've been keeping on posting recently. Well don't worry, I guarantee you that it's only you (and a few friends of mine) that would read my blog (I even doubt that you still read this) (it's a good thing tho if you don't)(but I'm losing my way to talk to you so maybe it'll be as good if you read)(whatever). I'm sorry if I seemed so unhappy from all the things I've written recently, maybe I wasn't as unhappy as it seems, or maybe I was, idk, it's confusing. And there's too much pain in my diary now so I don't want to pour it in my diary again, besides, I can always delete the posts here. If you ever wonder if I'm still happy to be with you, well it's a yes. I don't know but somehow it's still possible to be both happy and unhappy at the same time, or not in the exact same time. I hope we'll get better We SHOULD ger better P.s. As long as you will for the same thing Ily

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