Skip to main content

Ivy

I might not be the most honest person out there, in fact I lied thousands of times before and can almost always get away with it. I did my time, and I know damn well now how much it hurts to be lied to and feeling like you have deluded yourself all along in the end, that's why when you came along I swear to myself to be as truthful as I can be and expect the same from you to hinder myself from all the delusions. So I don't know if you noticed, but with you, I have never been the one who pointed out how much we eerily connected with each other no matter how obvious it was, unless you said it first --that was how much delusions scared me. 

Words can't describe how happy I was the days when everything with you felt effortless because for the first time in so long, I found someone who was just like the copy of my mind (<- also the name of a vulgar indonesian movie), everything just clicked and our hardest argument would only be that you hate the idea of ketupat in ketoprak to be replaced with lontong and I love ketoprak with lontong the most, haha. We were too similar we even started a game of finding differences on our shared interest. We couldn't even bet on who would win an F1 GP because we root for the same driver (and also because Hamilton always wins), we bet on Hamilton's winning margin instead. I know it's crazy to think that you were capable in faking any of it, especially the sequence of coincidences such as that one time you complained about how you desperately need a new shirt when I was literally holding a new shirt for you. You could also noticed the slightest change on my mood no matter how much I tried to hide it. I don't know if it's possible to create an illusion of such things but even if it is, allow me to fool myself one last time that at least all of the connections that I felt with you was real. I refuse to believe that any of it were merely a delusion, believe the easier truth, right?

Maybe you lied about the rest, or maybe you didn't -but I'm sure you stopped telling the truth at some point, because in the end the things you said and the things you did just don't add up. I wish I can negate everything just because I despise the ending so so bad, but I can't, this unwanted memories of how well it was at the start just won't let me. 

But don't worry, I won't cling to it, I know that there's no use in jotting down how similar we were with each other, because there will always be this inevitable differences of how much you want your past to be your future while to me you are the only past that I have right now -and that I could never understand what you wanted the same way you could never understand what I felt about you.

-

In the halls of your hotel

Arm around my shoulder so I could tell

How much I meant to you, meant it sincere back then

We had time to kill back then

You ain't a kid no more

We'll never be those kids again

It's not the same, ivory's illegal

Don't you remember?


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Album Reviews [Combo Pack]

I'm back on the deck, hurrah! I'm so missing myself writing a proper readable post, the less-curhat less-sok-poetic post, even 'tho I'm not sure people are even into my music shits...but it feels good to be back on the deck!(?) These are my reviews of not-so-new-released albums that I listen to (not so) recently, ujian and college stuffs really took that much of my time-_- I wish I can come out with fresh recommendations but this is just all I have, here it goes, enjoy! The Temper Trap -  Acoustic Sessions EP Sepertinya The Temper Trap berhasil menemukan formula untuk menelurkan album yang flawless dan sangat pas: make it an EP (nggak sesimpel single dan nggak sepanjang LP) consists of six acoustic version of their best songs, here's when things couldn't go wrong. Sewaktu jaman intensif Inten, kerjaan gue kalo di rumah emang suka curi-curi waktu buat hal nggak penting yang bahkan di waktu luang aja nggak pernah gue lakuin, kayak randomly buka iTunes dan me...
Post a Comment
Read more

Baby Blue - King Krule (Day 1 - Song with color on the title)

Meskipun album 6 Feet Beneath The Moon udah di- release dari tahun 2013, di hidup gue Baby Blue malah jadi soundtrack jaman-jaman ngerjain TA, lebih tepatnya setelah geng wisuda April udah pada cabut.   Bulan-bulan Maret-Juni 2018 adalah masa transisi gue mencari teman buat ngerjain TA bareng karena teman-teman yang biasa coffee shop hopping buat ngerjain TA bareng lulusnya April semua hiks. Di masa-masa itu lah diperkenalkan Patih sama the luxury of berproduktif di Grind Joe ( coffee shop di bawah hotel Moxy): sepi, kursi ergonomis, pencahayaan oke banget, kopi enak, adem (kadang terlalu dingin), internet decent , dan yang terpenting playlist -nya bagus! Playlist bagus yang dimaksud adalah lagu-lagu chill lo-fi hiphop yang sangatlah hyped pada masa tersebut; Mac Ayres, FKG, Honne, Tom Misch dkk - surprisingly emang cocok banget buat backsound produktif. Kemudian karena playlist di Grind Joe lama-lama terasa terlalu berulang, gue berinisiatif membuat extended playlist -nya...
Post a Comment
Read more

There Was No Funeral

June 25th 2024 They took the greatest love of my life away from me, but there was no funeral. They bathed and cleaned her corpse, and all I could think about was if they had took her lash extensions out. They buried her, but I stayed in the car. People cried, but no one hugged me, all that I had was my hand being held by my brother as we drove behind the hearse, Neil Young’s Harvest Moon was playing. I was already isolated for 2 weeks and thought that I would be rewarded by her embrace once it was all over. But there was none of it, it was pain and more pain and more pain. Only after 2 years I could finally cried it all out in somebody’s embrace, didn’t even realized how much I needed to let it all out —how badly I needed to be embraced. Because by the first year, the longing had eaten my insides little by little until there was almost nothing left of me. I don’t want to hold on to this pain forever, even if this pain is the only way I can keep my love for her alive. Because I’m done h...
Post a Comment
Read more
I never concidered about dying this much until today. And no, this is not a suicidal note. Well not exactly... I don't know but the pain of living is just so unbearable. I wanna go back to the non-existance. I give people pain so much I let my parents down too much now. This is the point where I don't even know if my precense would do anyone any good, and I don't even know which is better to the world: the pain from me leaving or the  trouble I made.
1 comment
Read more
You called me just so you can take out your anger out of your chest. And it still hurts, the fact that I couldn’t ease your anger, I could never did. With all the hatred and resentment in your eyes, it finally hits me, really really hard, realizing that nobody could ever comfort you -not even me, not even once. It hurts much more.
Post a Comment
Read more

This, wasn't It

"Kalo gitu nggak ada lagi yang perlu dibicarain." Bengong. Asli. Kalo kata-kata bisa membunuh, mungin sekarang gue udah tinggal nama. Oke lebay... Mungkin paling banter sekarang gue cuma butuh transfursi darah. Oke tetep lebay. Intinya, kalimat yang terlontar dingin itu sukses bikin gue lemes, kuping panas, jantung minta lompat keluar, dan otak meronta. Gue bukan abis berantem sama cowok gue since I don't have one wakaka, atau berantem sama bokap nyokap. Yang abis gue lakuin adalah wawancara, seperti yang gue bilang di postingan sebelumnya. Hari ini di mulai dengan baik. Sarapan oatmeal pake pisang, wearing my fave shirt, fave watch, fave bracelet, dan Speed of Sound muncul di radio pagi ini. Gue nunggu giliran selama dua jam lebih dengan kalem dan sedikit nervous. Tapi pas klimaks...wawancara selesai gitu aja setelah si pewawancara denger gue tanggal 25-28 liburan.... Gue tau gue cengeng, satu sekolah juga tau. Tapi udah lama gue nggak ngerasain sekecewa ini dan s...
Post a Comment
Read more