Wait - M83

It has been 4 years but I have never stepped into that place, not until that night. Funny that you could took me to places that I've never been before when I thought I have gone to every inch in every corner of this town. Funny how you could make me feel the feelings I have never felt before, too. But this one vivid memory wasn't some memory that's lovely enough to be recalled, yet, it lingers somewhere in the back of my head and creeps in each time I let my guard down.

You were about to take me home, but something stopped you. You couldn't look me in the eyes. Usually you were always looking at me when we talk, right in my eyes -in everyone's eyes, as if you are fearless, as if you could look through them. But not that night. It was dark but not that dark for you to couldn't find my eyes. You were always so carefree and chirpy and what not, but that night -a once in a blue moon, you were not. You looked so clueless, you squeezed the wheel in front of you out of frustration, you clenched your jaw so hard -as if you were trying so hard to suppress all the feelings that you've been holding. It broke me, really hard, in a way I've never felt before.

"Hey I don't know how to say this but..." I know what you were about to say, and have no idea why was it so hard to spill. "But, you know, I really need a hug right now."

I put my arms around you, stroking your back a little, "There, there. It's okay. It's okay," I whispered. Those broad shoulder of yours was shaky. I didn't really know what to do, all I know is that I wanted to take that pain away.

You were just silent as I held you. And I don't know if it makes sense but it seemed like I can feel your pain. Right at that moment I suddenly felt my chest burns, and it hurts, it hurts really bad. Wait by M83 was playing -and I swear to god it signified the pain. I wanted to take away your pain so so bad even if it doesn't make any sense.

I loosen up my hug and then you pulled yourself from me, you covered your face right away and said, "Please look away, I don't want you to see me this way."

That's how much you always wanted to act tough. Why did you have to hide your tears from me -the crying machine? Aren't we always allowed to feel what we feel?

It was the very first day that I get to witnessed that you are -turns out- able to feel sad too. Usually you'll just be clowning around, or get angry once in a while, but never sad. The very first time you let your guard down in front of me. The very first time I realized that it hurts to see you hurt.
.
.
The very first time I realized, that you have grown in me -in a way I would never have dared to predict.

There's no end

There is no goodbye

Disappear through the night

No time

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Burning Rope - Genesis (Day 4 - Song that reminds you of someone)

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Frank Ocean’s Moon River on repeat as the shuttle drove further from the only place that smelled like home. I held my tears just like always, and it’s still streaming down my cheek -just like always. There are things that you’ll never used to no matter how often you’ve get through it, like being fat, or having a bad grades, or going back to Bandung after a happy long weekend. I used to love Bandung, or probably still do, but now Bandung just feels like the pain I need to bear over and over again. You are okay You are okay You are okay Be okay joon, please?

If You're Reading This,

It means you've read all the gloomy nonsense I've been keeping on posting recently. Well don't worry, I guarantee you that it's only you (and a few friends of mine) that would read my blog (I even doubt that you still read this) (it's a good thing tho if you don't)(but I'm losing my way to talk to you so maybe it'll be as good if you read)(whatever). I'm sorry if I seemed so unhappy from all the things I've written recently, maybe I wasn't as unhappy as it seems, or maybe I was, idk, it's confusing. And there's too much pain in my diary now so I don't want to pour it in my diary again, besides, I can always delete the posts here. If you ever wonder if I'm still happy to be with you, well it's a yes. I don't know but somehow it's still possible to be both happy and unhappy at the same time, or not in the exact same time. I hope we'll get better We SHOULD ger better P.s. As long as you will for the same thing Ily

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