bəˈnɑːnə

I never concidered about dying this much until today. And no, this is not a suicidal note. Well not exactly... I don't know but the pain of living is just so unbearable. I wanna go back to the non-existance. I give people pain so much I let my parents down too much now. This is the point where I don't even know if my precense would do anyone any good, and I don't even know which is better to the world: the pain from me leaving or the  trouble I made.

Karena cuma di malam hari dan kontemplasi berkepanjangan yang membuat sajak Yang Fana Adalah Waktu yang saya baca tadi siang menjadi seperti hantu di balik telinga saya. Kemudian tiba-tiba suara Michael Angelakos menjadi begitu perih di tiap katanya, padahal Constant Conversations adalah salah satu love song yang paling saya sukai. "Yeah they love you and they need you but someday you gonna need to find some other kind of place to go." Someday? "Memungut detik demi detik, merangkainya seperti bunga  Sampai pada suatu hari  kita lupa untuk apa" Karena Sapardi bilang waktu yang fana; tapi kita abadi. Padahal abadi hanyalah kata banal yang artinya sampai-waktu-yang-entah-kapan namun dibuat manis saja seperti janji-janji yang tidak akan pernah ditepati, karena dengan kata abadi maka tidak ada janji yang perlu ditagih. Karena waktu fana dan waktu bukanlah dimensi yang variabelnya seperti koordinat, dan abadi adalah omong kosong lain yang muncul dalam kumpulan ...

I dream a lot during my sleep. I dream of anything, from the most dream-like random things to just some normal (too) realistic dream. The most painful dream of all is a dream about losing. It'll left me clueless and run out of breathe as I open my eyes, and once I got all the consciousness I will be so glad that it was all just a dream -but the details from the heartache will lingers anyway.  I dreamed about losing for too many times. Well maybe it's because I fear so much about losing, idk. I've been losing so much on so many things in life but that doesn't mean that I am used to it. (PARDON my duck face) This is my current favorite most comforting shoulder I ever rest my head into. And I'm sure as hell that I don't wanna lose it. I have a huge possesion on it, don't you once dare to steal it :p Well this is one of the biggest reason(s) that I fear SO SO MUCH about losing, it's just when you're settled for someone --he'll becom...

Tomorrow I'll have a test, a quiz, and two homeworks. I spent these whole week trying to save the semester by study harder than I've ever did, but not hard enough, I got distracted all the time (including posting this thought) and everything still fell apart like how it's ever been this past two semesters. I probably can't save the semester, or my whole college life, or apparently; my life. It's a pretty fucked up life that I  had now, academically. I kept on telling my parents that this semester will be much better than the super-fucked-up-last-semester, I lied to them....I even lied to my own self. I missed my chance to start over and build some new better life in some other place. Now here I am, stuck in where I feel like I don't belong -living alone and in total confusion everyday. You know you're the best thing that I'm grateful for in my messy fucked up life in Bandung. The rest are just giant pile of shit now.

I could spend all day watching you smile and listen to your stories because that's when everything finally felt right again. I'll be talking to you all day discussing silly million ideas to spend our holiday because I love how it makes me feel. I'll be at my room by the end of the day, figuring some thermodynamics shit while listening to your mixtape, and feel perfectly fine about the world. I wish it could go on this way everyday :p

Driving home, the sky accelerates And the clouds, all formed a geometric shapes and it goes fast, you think of the past -The Flaming Lips

I'm hard as fuck to be around at but people who needs to stay, will stay i guess

The Engineering Economic Analysis book is wide open right beside me. But I can't help to get distracted by the empty ceiling above me, and anxiously rechecking my LINE notifications over and over again. I don't know since when Payung Teduh's Kita Adalah Sisa-Sisa Keikhlasan yang Tidak Pernah Diikhlaskan can hurt this bad, it's not the lyrics, it's just the sorrow from this song. Well not exactly hurt, but it burns my chest, and this anxiety can't stop bugging me. Here's the thing about me: I worried WAY too much. I went to his house today. I worried all night yesterday, tho I know he'll be fine and his parents have had took a really good care of him. But still, the only thing I knew this morning is that I really need to see him. And there he was on his bed, smiling in excitement when he finally saw me, it's the moment of clarity that I swear to God was the best thing I could feel in a while. His fever was so bad this afternoon when was sleeping, ...

The idea of leaving home was stupid at the first place. Living alone sucks most of the time. And I'm tired of being homesick. Sent from my iPhone

There's these nights when you're not feeling well of all the sudden, completely alone in the room that's not exactly your room -which have no air conditioner but cold as fuck, your mom called and all the homesicks and sadness filled your lungs right away, you poured minyak kayu putih all over your body, you wished you could just sleep to shake away all the not-so-depressing-little-things that never fail to makes you feel like shit anyway. -- Then he told me to come out because he's outside. And I could feel all the butterflies filling down my belly and Hoppipolla's intro playing inside my head as I see him standing there; smiling from the distance with a carton cup of hot chocolate on his hand -not more not pless-, walking towards me, and I always love the way he makes me feel like I'm the destination /fuck my stupid diction/ I love watching his every step when he's walking towards me, it's silly but whatever I love it. My eternal feeling of homesick ...

I spent the first half of today making you feel bad, and spend the other half feeling bad about it... Such a bummer. Turned out I'm good at ruining a day he. This when Sparks really resonates with me haha. "I know I was wrong, but I won't let you down." P.S. Postingan yang ini gausah di respon, in case you read it P.S.S ily

I once love being alone. It's whether I was used to it or that I actually enjoyed it, well it's more likely that I was somewhere in between tho. I love having the world for myself, I'm one of those people who embrace their moment of solitude. I create my solitude. I could spend hours alone in a bookstore, in a music store, or anywhere where I could enjoy my book and listen to my music shits while the world outside shuts down. I was used to be alone for so long when this someone came along, and there was when I realized there's something better than being comfortable with my loneliness: having him as my plus one. Because there's a better way of enjoying the music, the book, or having a relaxing cup of hot chocolate; it all feels better when he's around, he makes the best of things even better. Happy 3rd 4th, sleepyhead :)

Niatnya mau liat teaser #WTF14 tapi malah ended up liat video ini, Bloc Paty Live in Jakarta Official AfterMovie Watching this feels exactly like being there, minus the sweat. It brought me into this weird feeling; idk maybe it's just the pms or This Modern Love still got me -all over again. I didn't take enough pictures or videos during their show, but I still remember almost all the details and the great vibe there. Let's just hope that Bloc Party will reunite soon and release something and start on a tour again :")

I WAS in the mood for a long post but then I failed in the first 30 minutes of trying to type a good intro. So I'll just make it short then. Terus kamu udah bobo terus jadi kentang kalo aku line. Yawdha noraque dikid disindang ach kya. Selamat tanggal 4 yang kedua, dear you, my most favorite sleepyhead :) Thank you for the tickling butterflies everytime you're around Thank you for always making me feel special and loved Thank you for the fleeting happiness that you give daily Thank you for today, for the flowers (yay flowers!), for the great times spent, for a lovely day once again PS: Thank you Gan Bei for kindly and accidentally played Bill Withers' Lovely Day during our dinner :") " Then I look at you And the world's alright with me Just one look at you And I know it's gonna be A lovely day"

One of my biggest weakness is probably this; kapan pun gue gadag dan senganggur itu gue pasti suka bengong, pikiran gue hobinya merenungi tons of things yang seharusnya nggak perlu direnungi, yang selalu pada akhirnya berlabuh ke more and more insecurities. I have this spacing out as an issue in my daily life, I guess... Masalah dari perenungan itu yang masih mengganggu gue lagi-lagi seputaran ini: Some of my friends and families will probably only roll their eyes because I still can't get over this hahaha. Pentrigger utamanya gini, jadi kemaren tiba-tiba dapet kabar kalo salah satu temen gue mau ngedrop ITB setelah setaun TPB ini demi banting setir dan nurutin passion dia di fotografi, jadi ya dia semacam sekolah fashion photography di only-God-knows-where, intinya pokoknya gitu deh dia memutuskan buat hidup kedepannya memperjuangkan passion dia. It dropped my jaw, literary. "Gila ini orang berani banget" "Ini ortunya kok bisa ngasih" dst tapi yang p...

Abis tidur sore dan kebablasan sampe jam 4 pagi... padahal besok uas fisika LOL (bukannya panik belajar malah  nulis blog). Panik banget tadi bangun-bangun kerasa kalo udah tidur berabad-abad, gadget mati semua, terus ngeliat jam tangan udah jam 4 wkwkwk chaos. Pas hp nyala gue deg-degan takut ada berita apocalypse selama gue mati suri itu dan ternyata ga ada; cuma ada Aysha nyariin mau minjem external cd drive dan Egi nanya "ini orang tidur apa tewas?" + 1 missedcall. Udah gitu doang... Mungkin gue adalah spesies di ekosistem yang keberadaannya tidak diperlukan. Anyway, I'm at the point where I really really REALLY HATE Bandung. Everything fall apart here, now, these days. It's the roughest time here and it feels like I'm gonna explode from all the pain and sadness. Bro once said that Bandung was gonna be damn rough for a spoiled brat like me, and I never listened to him until all these frustrations are finally killing me. I fucked up all of my exams and making...

and the difference is you. kata jamie cullum

Besok travel paling pagi but now my eyes just won't close. I'm sleepy but not-so-sleepy to sleep and, as always, there's too many thoughts weighing my shoulder. I'm in a big crisis of trusting people. Lame. It's like my own life is bailing on me since I moved to Bandung... Nothing goes my way and people just won't stop jerking out. I know it all started from those broken promises back at my very first day in Bandung, then I learn to stop giving a fuck about it and start building trusts and hopes to new people and new life--but then it brought me here; to the even lower point of having faith on everything except God. I just want some normal life where I don't have to be surrounded with bunch of audhsjfnsdjgrjr. I'm tired, okay. I'm so furious I don't know where to invest this anger I just feel like Ii'm going to burst into tears but then it'll be too weird GAHHH WTF WORLD. This world is full of bullshit. And your shit. And yours and...

Pada musim hujan yang datang ketika bukan waktunya musim hujan -sehingga payung dan sendal saya kaget kemudian jebol- bagaimanapun itu kamu datang, meski kadang atas sebuah pinta. Bukan, bukan sebagai jawaban (karena entah bagaimana kamu nampak begitu enggan), bukan si pemberi payung apalagi repot-repot menjadi payung. Kedatanganmu biasanya adalah sebuah pesan, kadang pesanmu merujukku ke tempat yang menyediakan payung, dan kadang lagi kamu akan berpesan untuk mengingatkan; kalau bukan payung yang sebenarnya aku cari. Begitu saja cukup, untuk sekarang. Ya, kan? Sana payungi dia sebelum kebasahan dan payungmu nganggur terus-terusan.

Besok uts PRD dan sempet-sempetnya posting ginian meheheh gara-gara udah cabut demi belajar prd+mat tadi siang supaya malemnya bisa hearing, terus hearingnya di cancel *ba dum tss*. So let's just make it quick, and these are the list of songs you wish to hear in this most hectic period of the semester, enjoy! Happy (Pharrell Williams) Sulit untuk nggak senyum atau minimal nodding your head setiap kali denger lagu ini, yang selalu ngingetin kita untuk merasa senang ditambah campaign 24hoursofhappiness.com yang uber-awesome! Clap along if you know what happiness is to you :):) Með Suð Í Eyrum (Sigur Ros) Biarpun Sigur Ros udah ngeluarin dua album setelah album ini (yang bau-bau dark semua emang), sampai kapan pun lagu ini dan Gobbledigook bakal selalu jadi Sigur Ros' most cheerful songs. This song will always be your ice cream under the too shiny sun. This Too Shall Pass (OK Go) Pertemuan gue dengan lagu ini adalah waktu lagi ke mcd hampir tengah malem setelah ha...

Kalo gue coba analogikan, kondisi gue sekarang seperti ini; gue sedang berenang terengah-engah di tengah laut lepas -nggak ada satu ujung daratan pun yang terlihat, nggak bisa balik tapi juga bingung mau berenang ke arah mana. Pilihannya cuma ini: mati tenggelam atau terus berenang tanpa tau arah dan bisa aja sewaktu-waktu mati ditelen hiu. I don't want to be bitter or anything that's not nice... But these days I feel so alone, I have friends but no one to "talk" to because whatever popped up from me sounds like a total plain whining shit, and talking with my family only make things look harder than they already are. I feel lost and incomplete. I'm tired of being insecure but every single thing just won't go my way anymore.  Well, okay, I know things could went a lot worse in anybody else's life, and so that I need to be more grateful...hhh I hope I'll find whatever God had planned to ignite the path and in the end I'll feel like I'm hom...

Kamu tau, kalau kamu selalu membuatku ingin berkata-kata? Meskipun hampir semua yang terlontar getir, tapi aku menyimpanmu dengan manis di antara lembaran kata yang tidak akan pernah kamu baca --yang kadang-kadang menggerogotiku dari dalam. Lebih baik tidak ada yang tau, termasuk juga kamu, karena memang tidak ada yang perlu tau. Dan sekonyol apapun ini terdengar, aku harap suatu saat kamu terbangun dari tidurmu, kemudian ada suatu rasa baru yang menyusup di rongga dadamu. Karena saat itu -untuk pertama kalinya- mimpi kita beresonansi. dari renungan sepanjang Cipularang

I don't know if it's just me or rainy season makes people's mind to wander more often, especially when I'm alone like in this past few hours. Besides the fact that I'm leaving Bandung today and unavoidably leaving lots of LFM things going on, there's also this thought that lingers. It's been a few weeks now and I still can't shake this funny yet awkward feeling. The more I think about it, the weirder it gets. It's something that I can't hold yet something that I can do nothing about. Pffft. It's still a pretty "agætis byrjun" tho.

I'm waking up to an empty feeling this morning and then my head got kicked -so hard- by reality with the fact of what had been missing in my life recently (and reluctantly): communication. Communication...that's what I'm lacking of since I moved to Bandung, mostly with people who were really close to me and those I used to share my daily life with, now I barely know their lifes -vice versa. It's frustating... I used to be best at communicating and keeping a relationship (friends and families) stable, and now I'm the one who jump off the boat and make the ship sink. And some holidays in Jakarta doesn't make me capable of catching up some things and cleaning my own mess. Fuck college life. It's hard to keep balance in your old and new life, even harder when you do it alone, and when you're out of control -you lose it all. I don't even have a boyfriend yet I can't even make a friendship work out. God. It sucks how I know nothing about my bestfriends...