bəˈnɑːnə

“You are too much to handle.” His message was short but sharp, it struck her like a lightning. It hurts real bad but in a non-lethal kind of way, the kind of pain that’s not too massive to make you feel numb, it was the kind of pain that’s painful enough to jerk your tears out and demanded to be felt, it felt as bad as when a razor cut your skin -although you know that the wound won’t heal. He probably have no idea how powerful his words were. He probably wasn’t saying that to hurt her. Those were probably the words that has been lingering in the back of his head for so long, and that he had enough. And that’s probably why it hurts that bad, because it wasn’t some made up words that he usually made only to win the arguments, it was the words she -herself- know all along but never been unearthed, it hurts because she know it’s true. You are too much to handle . Those words echoed. She knew damn well she is. She can’t even handle herself. She’s always desperately seeking the m...

nothing would change,  like the way your perfume blends in with the smell of your cigs,  or how much you love vanilla bliss, or how you’re haunted by the idea of aliens -and how they will invade our planet, or how you turn all sweaty when you eat spicy food,  or how your body move to your favorite tunes,  or how you would pray to your God each time you passed kilometer zero,  every single thing would still be the exact same old details that lingers in the back of my head . . except,  the way you look at me

"Hey don't cry..." He said. "I can't stand seeing you this way."   "I'm sorry, I'm just being stupid." I laughed it off but tears still streaming down my cheek.  He then embraced me so tightly.  "It's going to be okay," he whispered, "you are one strong independent woman, right?" "I am not when you're around tho... You said it yourself." "But I won't be around anymore..." his voice was so soft like a whispering wind on the grass, as if he tried so hard for me not to hear it but in a way still wants me to hear it. "I know." I grab his sleeves, resting my head on his chest -can't stand looking into his eyes anymore. He pushed me gently, lift my head, lean down, and kissed my forehead. "I'm gonna miss these cheeks," he then kissed both side of my cheeks. He looked me right in the eye and said, "and this lips..." I clos...

It has been 4 years but I have never stepped into that place, not until that night. Funny that you could took me to places that I've never been before when I thought I have gone to every inch in every corner of this town. Funny how you could make me feel the feelings I have never felt before, too. But this one vivid memory wasn't some memory that's lovely enough to be recalled, yet, it lingers somewhere in the back of my head and creeps in each time I let my guard down. You were about to take me home, but something stopped you. You couldn't look me in the eyes. Usually you were always looking at me when we talk, right in my eyes -in everyone's eyes, as if you are fearless, as if you could look through them. But not that night. It was dark but not that dark for you to couldn't find my eyes. You were always so carefree and chirpy and what not, but that night -a once in a blue moon, you were not. You looked so clueless, you squeezed the wheel in front of you out ...

Past midnight, empty roads Matching hoodies and Fipper flip-flops Was when the silent emotion explodes And left us with just teardrops You said you got so much on your chest And everything you did was for my best But it's written in every book on the shelf  That the only thing you love is yourself What is it that you're looking for? How much of my truth you'd want to ignore? Do you think this world is a bore, Without all those lies that you swore? You pointed your rifle right at me Telling them that I'm the one who pulled the trigger See the wounds that you've caused on me? Do you watch me bleed so you could feel better? You were so hasted,  where would you go? For all the things that we've wasted,  don't you wish we could forego?

You called me just so you can take out your anger out of your chest. And it still hurts, the fact that I couldn’t ease your anger, I could never did. With all the hatred and resentment in your eyes, it finally hits me, really really hard, realizing that nobody could ever comfort you -not even me, not even once. It hurts much more.

Keberterimaan is such an underrated word. Setiap ada yang curhat hal-hal cukup pelik yang belum ada solusi duniawinya, gue sering banget ngomong, " you gotta embrace the emotions" atau "lo harus bisa berterima aja", yang most of the time   malah dinyinyirin atau dinyolotin karena kedengerannya super klise dan "yaelah gampang banget lau ngomong". Things are easier said than done , that's for sure  - but that doesn't make it less true . Setidaknya buat gue. Ketika semesta menghujani lo dengan berbagai tonjokkan bertubi-tubi, ketika secara emosyenel maupun fisikel lo semua diserang, ketika lo ngerasa hidup lo nggak mungkin bisa lebih sucks lagi tapi dibuktikan bahwa masih ada lagi state-state  lebih rendah di hidup ini, ketika lo ngerasa lo kayak lagi dikutuk sampe berasumsi bahwa di hidup sebelumnya mungkin lo adalah seorang diktator berdarah dingin yang menyiksa kehidupan masyarakat, ketika rasanya kayak hidup di living hell, di titik itu pili...

10 am. Sippin' this surprisingly good hot Macadamia Cocoa Cappucino (probably the best Starbucks' seasonal drink 'cause the rest of it tastes just like weird different kind of sugar) under this fricking cold air conditioner. They played some Sufjan Stevens-ish woman vocals as I walked in, but currently playing some jazzy-non-klcbs tunes, and whichever is fine -this Starbucks also happened to has the best playlist of all the Starbucks (even better than that one in Oakwood, their playlist is trash). All in all, this attempt on starting my day right went quite well so far. At times when I was so emotionally drained (which happens too often), the best way to keep my sanity is to actually step outside, and cherish what there's to be cherished. Most times I would just cried all day (well not literally, tho, probably just every 30mins for 8 hours straight), and that makes me stop functioning all day too. I was almost did the lying-in-the-dark-no-sunshine mode this morning, b...

“This song is fucking great.” That’s what you said as your car stopped at the red light. The intro to the song came on and turned out to be something so familiar from my childhood. “Whaaat I know this song! Never listened to it in years!” I said in excitement of rediscovering a good song from years ago, forgetting it even existed. You just nodded and smiled, the hook was in and you started to sing. I stopped and stared at you for a moment, you were always singing -and you were always so into it. Your driver seat turned into a stage. I’d remember every little detail of you singing, the simplest thing I was weirdly so in love with. You grabbed my bottle of water, using it as your microphone. I giggled, using my phone as a microphone, and joined you for the refrain. I know the last page so well, I can't read the first So I just don't start it's getting worse I wanna know what it’s like on the inside of love. Standing at the gates, I see the beauty above. It was...

Frank Ocean’s Moon River on repeat as the shuttle drove further from the only place that smelled like home. I held my tears just like always, and it’s still streaming down my cheek -just like always.  There are things that you’ll never used to no matter how often you’ve get through it, like being fat, or having a bad grades, or going back to Bandung after a happy long weekend. I used to love Bandung, or probably still do, but now Bandung just feels like the pain I need to bear over and over again. You are okay You are okay You are okay Be okay joon, please?

Malam datang dan sesapimu dengan sepi Kadang syahdu dan memelukmu dengan hangat Kadang begitu dingin dan rasa sakitnya sampai ke rusukmu Kemudian kamu lupa bagaimana mereka pergi Lupa pada titik mana ketika akhirnya yang tersisa tinggal sunyi Lupa bagaimana caranya berteman dengan sepi Lalu kenapa kamu suruh mereka pergi, Dan kamu hilangkan semua alasan mereka untuk tinggal?