bəˈnɑːnə

I never concidered about dying this much until today. And no, this is not a suicidal note. Well not exactly... I don't know but the pain of living is just so unbearable. I wanna go back to the non-existance. I give people pain so much I let my parents down too much now. This is the point where I don't even know if my precense would do anyone any good, and I don't even know which is better to the world: the pain from me leaving or the  trouble I made.

Karena cuma di malam hari dan kontemplasi berkepanjangan yang membuat sajak Yang Fana Adalah Waktu yang saya baca tadi siang menjadi seperti hantu di balik telinga saya. Kemudian tiba-tiba suara Michael Angelakos menjadi begitu perih di tiap katanya, padahal Constant Conversations adalah salah satu love song yang paling saya sukai. "Yeah they love you and they need you but someday you gonna need to find some other kind of place to go." Someday? "Memungut detik demi detik, merangkainya seperti bunga  Sampai pada suatu hari  kita lupa untuk apa" Karena Sapardi bilang waktu yang fana; tapi kita abadi. Padahal abadi hanyalah kata banal yang artinya sampai-waktu-yang-entah-kapan namun dibuat manis saja seperti janji-janji yang tidak akan pernah ditepati, karena dengan kata abadi maka tidak ada janji yang perlu ditagih. Karena waktu fana dan waktu bukanlah dimensi yang variabelnya seperti koordinat, dan abadi adalah omong kosong lain yang muncul dalam kumpulan ...

I dream a lot during my sleep. I dream of anything, from the most dream-like random things to just some normal (too) realistic dream. The most painful dream of all is a dream about losing. It'll left me clueless and run out of breathe as I open my eyes, and once I got all the consciousness I will be so glad that it was all just a dream -but the details from the heartache will lingers anyway.  I dreamed about losing for too many times. Well maybe it's because I fear so much about losing, idk. I've been losing so much on so many things in life but that doesn't mean that I am used to it. (PARDON my duck face) This is my current favorite most comforting shoulder I ever rest my head into. And I'm sure as hell that I don't wanna lose it. I have a huge possesion on it, don't you once dare to steal it :p Well this is one of the biggest reason(s) that I fear SO SO MUCH about losing, it's just when you're settled for someone --he'll becom...