bəˈnɑːnə

You were waiting for me on the seat by the window, with that half-drunken glass of your favorite manual brew. That same spot, our favorite spot, since years ago. From the days when I barely have the courage to look you in the eyes when you helped me solve my tutor homework, to the days where I sat comfortably beside you for hours -doing my thing while you're busy playing DOTA, and to another ordinary days when we need a late night coffee and this place were the only one that's still open. We fought a lot all those years, and that's what made that day different; for the first time ever we just sat there -calmly, like two civilized adults. No crying, no arguing, no nothing. I talked and talked and talked, and I remember how you kept saying "I don't know" -over and over again. I remember how frustrating it was to get you talking, but at the same time I was wishing that -for the last time- we would stay there as long as we could. Because once we were done, I swore...

These past week I have been drafting a post about how I repaired myself in the last one year to be the most emotionally stable version of myself. Ironically enough, before finishing the writing, it hits again. Square one. Not even square one, this time was worse, worst. I am so fed up with myself and I feel really useless, I mean I'm 24, my friends are already having babies, yet I am still caught in this monstrous version of myself. But then again, I'm getting there, right? In a spur of the moment it is that hard to remember how I should be very gentle and very kind to my own self, how I should always love myself, and the monster wins again. Now I am writing this, fully aware on where I lost it this time, and I hope this will be the last time it happened. As Vania always says, be kind to yourself, it is that simple jun come on. I know I should. I'm not there yet but I'm getting there. And they told me that it only gets better, right?